This originally appeared in my "36 square metres" blog back in 2012.
On being where you are
I had a few dates with a woman I met via an online dating service. But simply being of a similar age and in the same part of town doesn't mean we have anything in common. Anyone who's fairly self-reliant is simply going to ask themselves “does this add anything?” and the answer is very often going to be 'no'. I first asked myself this during a one-off date with a nice enough single mum in Hampton, a year ago. I'm not looking for validation and certainly don't need to force myself into a couple in order to find it. One woman I corresponded with via that dating service wondered what I was doing there as my life seemed involved enough anyway.
It seems to me that a lot of men still look to be 'validated' by women at a time when those women have successfully established that they don't need to be 'validated' by men.
I've twice had close male friends of mine, within the same little group who've known each other for decades since we were fellow-teachers, describe the three of us as 'pathetic' and 'l***rs' because none of us were in a steady sexual relationship with a woman at the time. But I don't measure self-realisation that way, and we men do ourselves (and women) a disservice by trying to. Nor do we help ourselves by using words like 'sad' to describe single men. There is a perception that while single women have plenty of connections and a life that doesn't involve coupledom, single men are exactly that – on our own.
One of the things I've done recently is join a choir. A very much fun thing to do, being one of those local choirs that doesn't need auditions or the ability to read music. But the membership is predominantly female, and several of the men attending were spouses or other family members of the women. Why? Do all those men who would otherwise join, work such long hours that they can't take part? I doubt it. I'll reiterate: choirs are fun and a good thing to be in.
This gender imbalance is the opposite of that in the real ale movement – which at least in the CAMRA branch I was in was predominantly male. Almost all the female members were partners of a man in the branch (although in many cases the couple may have got together via a shared love of real ale), and there were no women on the committee for much of the time I was involved with it. This feeds into a CAMRA stereotype which I've seen expressed as 'men with no women in their lives' although most of the guys I knew there had wives or girlfriends, who didn't participate in CAMRA activities. Besides, does anyone say of women who take part in mostly-female activities like choirs or Zumba that they have 'no men in their lives'? I doubt it and anyone saying that would come across as sexist at least. And this doesn't hold for every branch – some branches seem like a stereotype full of middle-aged bearded men while others attract younger people and women, which is perhaps not surprising as real ale or craft beer (which need not be in a barrel) no longer has so much of its 'old man's drink' image. The diehard lager drinkers who originally sneered at 'ale' in that way are now in their 40s, victims of their own drink-related ageism, and finding that the next generation is not necessarily following in their footsteps but is going for the kind of beer they actually like, which very often means small-producer bottled or cask ales.
So if they aren't 'validated' by women, then what does, or should, validate single men? Who seem, if you read the press, to spend their entire time bewailing their single state or berating other single men for same. But at least if you're single you 're (probably) not in an abusive relationship, which is a topic for another piece some time.
But I feel one important step is,
Be where you are.
This includes making your home the kind of place you want to live – and not feeling that it's just somewhere to be for now until you get somewhere better or you get coupled-up (again or for the first time). If you want purple and orange walls, do so.
It also includes making use of the area you live in. The six years I lived in an outer London borough were not my most creative – indeed I felt like I was doing nothing but the day job, and going to pubs, and going to music gigs. (then I lost the day job; what then?) Even the stories I did have published were ones I'd written before I moved. But there were possibilities ever opening. Quite likely I should have got involved with the theatre which opened in the centre of town during those six years. Even just turning up and saying “can I help in any way?” would have been useful. I did however participate locally including teaching older people to use computers at the Age Concern centre; bought into the organic vegetable box scheme set up by a neighbourhood food co-op; joined a community choir (see above) and a handful of other things. And if it's more women than men doing these things, big deal. Women have contended with predominantly-male situations for years. Then again there are many people who participate in things that are more of a non-local community: science fiction fandom, cycling, etc. In my suburban life I took part in local bike rides until I got fed up with that particular group's habit of going offroad, even with road bikes. A cycling injury in the local park when a trail turned out to be steeper than I thought made me even less impressed with that kind of behaviour.
Now that I'm living in Birmingham I'm trying to do just that: writers groups, participation in the local food scene, etc. Doesn't this validate us sufficiently – being part of the community around us? I would respectfully suggest that it does. There are many ways to be part of a community, with or without a family, as part of a couple or not, and nobody is suggesting that anyone has to throw themselves into it 24/7 if they don't want to – once again, make your home your own, retreat to that if it is the time to do so. Go on retreat weekends. Start a blog! Be where you are.